[cs_content][cs_section parallax=”false” style=”margin: 0px;padding: 45px 0px;”][cs_row inner_container=”true” marginless_columns=”false” style=”margin: 0px auto;padding: 0px;”][cs_column fade=”false” fade_animation=”in” fade_animation_offset=”45px” fade_duration=”750″ type=”1/1″ class=”cs-ta-center” style=”padding: 0px;”][cs_text class=”cs-ta-center”]Tips on Enhancing Parent-Teen Connection[/cs_text][cs_text class=”cs-ta-left”]Healthy adolescent development is marked by youth moving away from parent-child attachments, in favour of peer attachments. This doesn’t mean connection between parents and their child is lost; oftentimes it just needs to be conceptualized differently. Adolescents are embracing new ideas and experimenting with identity. This can be scary as it may feel as though a parent is “losing” their child. Who your child was is evolving.
Here are some tips on how to enhance connection with your teen:[/cs_text][cs_text class=”cs-ta-left”]BE VULNERABLE. We often expect others to “earn” our trust, but the reality is: there are no fail-proof methods to avoid being hurt/disappointed by others. While it would not be prudent to be vulnerable with everyone you meet, we can’t live in a world of “expecting” without “giving”. One generally needs to give love to receive it. Put simply, we feel more connected to others when they have opened up about themselves to us – we become connected by our shared common humanity. Share some of your vulnerabilities with your teens; they in turn will feel more comfortable sharing theirs with you.
Remember: Giving love begins with ourselves. Treat yourself with kindness, and you will find you have more kindness to give to others; this has the power to minimize our expectations of others, because we are “not pouring from an empty cup”.[/cs_text][x_image type=”none” src=”https://blacksheepcounselling.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/coffee.png” alt=”” link=”false” href=”#” title=”” target=”” info=”none” info_place=”top” info_trigger=”hover” info_content=””][cs_text class=”cs-ta-left”]DROP THE EXPECTATIONS. Often the things that hurts or disappoints us the most in our relationships is when other people don’t meet our expectations about how they should behave. The more tightly held our expectations, the more hurt and disappointed we become. The problem with this? We have ZERO control over other people’s behaviour – a fact that is never truer than it is with one’s own children. Yet because the perception is that they are extensions of oneself, expectations are often clung to more tightly. By letting go of your ideas about how and when you and your teen communicate, you will be more likely to find peace with what is, instead of dwelling on what should be.
Then you will open the door for newer, healthier communication patterns to emerge. Resist making issues about you.
KEEP DEBATES IN THE PRESENT (even when your teen doesn’t). Dredging up mistakes and wrongdoings from the past will instantaneously incite defensiveness. Remember that teens are exploring identity during adolescence – bringing up lapses of judgment in your teen’s past is not honouring the idea that they may have learned from past negative experiences. Avoid shaming. We know from research that shaming does not curb undesirable behaviour (our prison system is full of people that society has deemed cannot be rehabilitated – treating people in inhumane ways will break people, not heal them). Remember: teens are already prone to impulsivity and risk-taking behaviour – if they are demeaned or shamed, they are more prone to acting out in unsafe ways.
RECOGNIZE THAT ALL “BEHAVIOUR MAKES SENSE”. When we are embattled with someone and they are behaving in hurtful ways, it can be hard to understand their motivations may be fueled from pain rather than selfishness or blatant disrespect. Counsellors recognize that “hurt people hurt”. Trying to understand the emotions behind anger can help foster empathy, which in turn can minimize your own reactivity. Remember: no effective communication can happen until high emotionality has been de-esculated.[/cs_text][x_image type=”none” src=”https://blacksheepcounselling.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/behavious.png” alt=”” link=”false” href=”#” title=”” target=”” info=”none” info_place=”top” info_trigger=”hover” info_content=””][cs_text class=”cs-ta-left”]BE CURIOUS. Your teen knows stuff that you don’t. You may wish they would choose to listen and learn from you. How about listening and learning from them? NO ONE LACKS INTELLIGENCE. We merely possess different forms of intellect. There are nine types of intelligence (Mark Vital):[/cs_text][x_image type=”none” src=”https://blacksheepcounselling.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/intellegences.png” alt=”” link=”false” href=”#” title=”” target=”” info=”none” info_place=”top” info_trigger=”hover” info_content=””][cs_text class=”cs-ta-left”]SPATIAL: The ability to view the world in 3D
NATURALIST: Understanding living things and reading nature
MUSICAL: Discerning sounds, their pitch, tone, rhythm, and timbre
LOGICAL-MATHEMATICAL: Quantifying things, making hypotheses, and proving them
EXISTENTIAL: Tackling the questions of why we live, and why we die
INTERPERSONAL: Sensing people’s feelings and motives
BODILY –KINESTHETIC: Coordinating your mind with your body
LINGUISTIC: Finding the right words to express what you mean
INTRA-PERSONAL: Understanding yourself, what you feel, and what you want
Unfortunately, our current education system does not acknowledge and value multiple intelligences. How many intelligences are present for you? Your teen?
DON’T HOLD GRUDGES. We all need to accept that everyone is different and that we cannot control the feelings, beliefs and behaviours of others. Try to be realistic and accept that people are the way they are, not how you would like them to be. Being resentful or holding a grudge against somebody will increase your anger and make it more difficult to control. You cannot change how other people behave or think, but you can change how you deal with others by embodying an attitude of curiosity and acceptance.[/cs_text][x_image type=”none” src=”https://blacksheepcounselling.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/anger.png” alt=”” link=”false” href=”#” title=”” target=”” info=”none” info_place=”top” info_trigger=”hover” info_content=””][cs_text class=”cs-ta-left”]DEVELOP A SENSE OF HUMOUR. It is easy to use inappropriate sarcasm when angry. Resist the temptation to do this, and instead work on introducing some good humour into potentially difficult situations. Humour can reduce resentment and lift your mood. The simple act of laughing can effectively reduce anger, especially over the long-term. Be aware that although laughing can help you feel better, when it comes to humour and parenting, it is learning to find humour in the craziness of parenting – laugh when it lightens the mood, don’t laugh when it puts anybody down. “Parenting is too serious to take every frustration seriously, because when parents do that they are likely to overreact and make minor matters worse”. Laughter provides a full-scale workout for your muscles and unleashes a rush of stress-busting endorphins. Since our bodies cannot distinguish between real and fake laughter, anything that makes you giggle will have a positive impact. You do not need to be happy or have a sense of humour to benefit from a good laugh.[/cs_text][x_image type=”none” src=”https://blacksheepcounselling.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/humour.png” alt=”” link=”false” href=”#” title=”” target=”” info=”none” info_place=”top” info_trigger=”hover” info_content=””][cs_text class=”cs-ta-left”]A SHIFT IN PERSPECTIVE CAN CHANGE EVERYTHING. Akin to taking a curious stance, shifting your perspective can help minimize stress. Remind yourself to not “sweat the small stuff”. Try to step outside of yourself. Will an incident like wet towels on the bathroom floor matter a year from now? Probably not. Are you or your teen hanging on to battles that have more to do with winning (ego-based), than anything that is truly of importance? If you and your teen are locked in right/wrong debate about something, try seeing the issue from the other’s perspective. Chances are, it looks very different. Recognizing this can minimize resentment and help foster empathy and understanding.[/cs_text][x_image type=”none” src=”https://blacksheepcounselling.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/six.png” alt=”” link=”false” href=”#” title=”” target=”” info=”none” info_place=”top” info_trigger=”hover” info_content=””][cs_text class=”cs-ta-left”]The teen years come with different challenges than those experienced in childhood. Adolescents are moving away from childhood and moving towards adulthood -growing pains are inevitable. Let’s face it: many of us adults wouldn’t want to relive the trials and tribulations of the teen years.[/cs_text][cs_text]Parents: be patient. Be kind. And maintain a healthy sense of humour[/cs_text][cs_text]“Sending love boosts yours – and others – immune systems!” ~ Amanda Gore
Check out this video about fostering connection: How to Let People Know You Love Them – Zoot, Zoot, Zooties https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vQFl4a0xiBE
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~Christine
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